A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

George Carlin 1937–2008 American comedian

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

Clarence Darrow 1857–1938 American lawyer

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.

Edward VIII 1894–1972 British king

Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy.

Miles Kington 1941–2008 English humorist

So I really think that American gentlemen are the best after all, because kissing your hand may make you feel very very good but a diamond and safire bracelet lasts forever.

Anita Loos 1893–1981 American writer

The continental United States slopes gently from east to west, with the result that everything with a screw loose rolls into California.

John Naughton 1946– Irish academic

Wherever there is suffering, injustice and oppression, the Americans will show up, six months late, and bomb the country next to where it’s happening.

P. J. O’Rourke 1947– American humorous writer

In America any boy may become President and I suppose it’s just one of the risks he takes!

Adlai Stevenson 1900–65 American Democratic politician

In Europe, when a rich woman has an affair with a conductor, they have a baby. In America, she endows an orchestra for him.

Edgard Varèse 1885–1965 French-born American composer

The land of the dull and the home of the literal.

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American writer

The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for three hundred years.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Anger and Argument

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.

Francis Bacon 1561–1626 English courtier

Violence is the repartee of the illiterate.

Alan Brien 1925–2008 English journalist

The time for action is past. Now is the time for senseless bickering!

Ashleigh Brilliant 1933– American writer and cartoonist

I’ve never won an argument with her; and the only times I thought I had I found out the argument wasn’t over yet.

Jimmy Carter 1924– American Democratic statesman, of his wife Rosalynn

What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight—it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Dwight D. Eisenhower 1890–1969 American Republican statesman

I’ll not listen to reason ... Reason always means what someone else has got to say.

Elizabeth Gaskell 1810–65 English novelist

There is no arguing with Johnson; for when his pistol misses fire, he knocks you down with the butt end of it.

Oliver Goldsmith 1730–74 Irish writer

Any stigma, as the old saying is, will serve to beat a dogma.

Philip Guedalla 1889–1944 British historian

The only person who listens to both sides of a husband and wife argument is the woman in the next apartment.

Sam Levenson 1911–80 American humorist

John Major’s self-control in cabinet was rigid. The most angry thing he would ever do was to throw down his pencil.

Gillian Shephard 1940– English Conservative politician

on seeing two Edinburgh women hurling insults at one another across an alleyway:

Those two women will never agree; they are arguing from different premises.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English essayist

Animals and Birds

see alsoCATS

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

A hen is only an egg’s way of making other eggs.

Samuel Butler 1835–1902 English novelist

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equal.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

Animals generally return the love you lavish on them by a swift bite in passing—not unlike friends and wives.

Gerald Durrell 1925–95 English zoologist and writer

after an operation to remove a fishbone stuck in her throat:

After all these years of fishing, the fish are having their revenge.

Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother 1900–2002

Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney?

Eddie Izzard 1962– British comedian

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife’s ear.

J. B. Morton 1893–1975 British journalist

My mother made me ride horses when I was young. I didn’t like it. They’re too difficult to steer.

Stirling Moss 1929– British motor-racing driver