A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

This Thane of Cawdor would be unnerved by Banquo’s valet, never mind Banquo’s ghost.

Alan Brien 1925–2008 English journalist, of Michael Hordern in Macbeth

Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra—and sank.

John Mason Brown 1900–69 American critic

You were the first person I thought of to play a chimpanzee.

Tim Burton 1958– American film director, asking Helena Bonham Carter to star in Planet of the Apes

She [Edith Evans] took her curtain calls as though she had just been un-nailed from the cross.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

seeing a poster for Michael Redgrave and Dirk Bogarde in The Sea Shall Not Have Them:

I fail to see why not; everyone else has.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

of Creston Clarke as King Lear:

He played the King as though under momentary apprehension that someone else was about to play the ace.

Eugene Field 1850–95 American writer

Dear Ingrid—speaks five languages and can’t act in any of them.

John Gielgud 1904–2000 English actor, of Ingrid Bergman

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way that a midget is good at being short.

Clive James 1939– Australian critic and writer, on Marilyn Monroe

There were three things that Chico was always on—a phone, a horse or a broad.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

watching Spencer Tracy on the set of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde:

Which is he playing now?

W. Somerset Maugham 1874–1965 English novelist

Left eyebrow raised, right eyebrow raised.

Roger Moore 1927–2017 English actor, summary of his acting range

of Katharine Hepburn at the first night of The Lake:

She ran the whole gamut of the emotions from A to B.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

Leo Rosten 1908–97 American writer and social scientist, of W. C. Fields, and often attributed to him

It is greatly to Mrs Patrick Campbell’s credit that, bad as the play was, her acting was worse.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

Forty years ago he was Slightly in Peter Pan, and you might say that he has been wholly in Peter Pan ever since.

Kenneth Tynan 1927–80 English theatre critic, of Noël Coward

on the Burton-Taylor Private Lives:

He’s miscast and she’s Miss Taylor.

Emlyn Williams 1905–87 Welsh dramatist

Advertising

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.

Stewart Henderson Britt 1907–79 American advertising consultant

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

Stephen Leacock 1869–1944 Canadian humorist

The consumer isn’t a moron; she is your wife.

David Ogilvy 1911–99 British-born advertising executive

asked why he had made a commercial for American Express:

To pay for my American Express.

Peter Ustinov 1921–2004 British actor

Don’t sell the steak, sell the sizzle.

Elmer Wheeler American salesman

Advice

Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.

Nelson Algren 1909–81 American novelist

Consult, v. To seek another’s approval of a course already decided on.

Ambrose Bierce 1842–c.1914 American writer

Be yourself. That’s the worst advice you could give an impressionist.

Rory Bremner 1961– British impressionist and comedian

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

appearing as an agony aunt:

QUESTION: My fiancé gave me a car, a mink coat, and a stove. Is it proper for me to accept these gifts?

GABOR: Of course not! Send back the stove.

Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917–2016 Hungarian-born actress

Always buy a good pair of shoes and a good bed—if you’re not in one you’re in the other.

Gloria Hunniford 1941– British broadcaster, advice from her mother

It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk or running for office.

Shirley MacLaine 1934– American actress

Don’t accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange as hell.

Robin Morgan 1941– American feminist

When in doubt buy shoes.

Marcelle D’Argy Smith British journalist