A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Dr Ruth says we women should tell our lovers how to make love to us. My boyfriend goes nuts if I tell him how to drive.

Pam Stone 1959– American comedian

Above all, gentlemen, not the slightest zeal.

Charles-Maurice de Talleyrand 1754–1838 French statesman

Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.

Harry S. Truman 1884–1972 American Democratic statesman

Ageing

see alsoMIDDLE AGE, OLD AGE

It’s sad to grow old—but nice to ripen.

Brigitte Bardot 1934– French actress

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

George Burns 1896–1996 American comedian

Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.

G. Norman Collie

The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women.

Diane de Poitiers 1499–1566 French mistress of Henri II

Life begins at 40—but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell the same story to the same person three or four times.

William Feather 1889–1981 American writer

I’m over the hill, but nobody prepared me for what was going to be on the other side.

Jane Fonda 1937– American actress, on being 70

QUESTIONER: Which of the Gabors is the oldest?

ZSA ZSA: She vould never admit it, but it’s Mama.

Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917–2016 Hungarian-born actress

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Bob Hope 1903–2003 American comedian

the new five ages of man:

Lager, Aga, Saga, Viagra, Gaga.

Virginia Ironside 1945– English journalist

A woman telling her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price to an Armenian rug dealer.

Mignon McLaughlin 1913–83 American writer

When you’ve reached a certain age and think that a face-lift or a trendy way of dressing will make you feel twenty years younger, remember—nothing can fool a flight of stairs.

Denis Norden 1922– English humorist

George, you’re too old to get married again. Not only can’t you cut the mustard, honey, you’re too old to open the jar.

LaWanda Page 1920–2002 American comedienne, at a dinner to honour George Burns

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Leroy (‘Satchel’) Paige 1906–82 American baseball player

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, ‘Blue goes with everything’.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Charles Monroe Schulz 1922–2000 American cartoonist

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that, would tell one anything.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Ambition

seeing a commemorative stone engraved ‘Laid by the Poet Laureate’ (John Masefield):

Every nice girl’s ambition.

John Betjeman 1906–84 English poet

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Salvador Dali 1904–89 Spanish painter

The average Hollywood film star’s ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian, married to an Englishman, and have a French boyfriend.

Katharine Hepburn 1907–2003 American actress

For years politicians have promised the moon, I’m the first one to be able to deliver it.

Richard Milhous Nixon 1913–94 American Republican statesman

Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

P. J. O’Rourke 1947– American humorous writer

When I was a child, my mother said to me ‘If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general. If you become a monk, you’ll end up as the Pope.’ Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.

Pablo Picasso 1881–1973 Spanish painter

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin 1939– American comedienne and actress

on being advised against joining the overcrowded legal profession:

There is always room at the top.

Daniel Webster 1782–1852 American politician

America

see alsoTOWNS

California is a fine place to live—if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen 1894–1956 American humorist

I had forgotten just how flat and empty it [middle America] is. Stand on two phone books almost anywhere in Iowa and you get a view.

Bill Bryson 1951– American travel writer

When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.