A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Charles, Prince of Wales 1948– heir apparent to the British throne

The National Theatre seems like a clever way of building a nuclear power station in the middle of London without anyone objecting.

Charles, Prince of Wales 1948– heir apparent to the British throne

You have to give this much to the Luftwaffe: when it knocked down our buildings it didn’t replace them with anything more offensive than rubble.

Charles, Prince of Wales 1948– heir apparent to the British throne

My client—God—is in no hurry.

Antonio Gaudí 1853–1926 Spanish architect, of the church of the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona (begun 1884)

Why is it only Tudor that we mock?

Harry Hill 1964– English comedian

A lot of nuns in a rugger scrum.

George Molnar 1910–98 Hungarian-born Australian cartoonist, on the exterior of the Sydney Opera House

The green belt was a Labour idea and we are determined to build on it.

John Prescott 1938– British Labour politician

on Brighton Pavilion:

As if St Paul’s had come down and pupped.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Frank Lloyd Wright 1867–1959 American architect

Argument

seeANGERand Argument

The Aristocracy

see alsoCLASS

The Stately Homes of England,

How beautiful they stand,

To prove the upper classes

Have still the upper hand.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something in-conceivable. I can’t help it. I was born sneering.

W. S. Gilbert 1836–1911 English writer

I am an ancestor.

Marshal Junot 1771–1813 French general, reply when taunted on his lack of ancestry, having been made Duke of Abrantes

A duchess will be a duchess in a bath towel. It’s all a matter of style.

Carol Lawrence 1932– American actress

An aristocracy in a republic is like a chicken whose head has been cut off: it may run about in a lively way, but in fact it is dead.

Nancy Mitford 1904–73 English writer

Those comfortably padded lunatic asylums which are known, euphemistically, as the stately homes of England.

Virginia Woolf 1882–1941 English novelist

The Armed Forces

see alsoWAR

My home at my uncle’s brought me acquainted with a circle of admirals. Of Rears and Vices, I saw enough. No, do not be suspecting me of a pun, I entreat.

Jane Austen 1775–1817 English novelist

We joined the Navy to see the world,

And what did we see? We saw the sea.

Irving Berlin 1888–1989 American songwriter

Don’t talk to me about naval tradition. It’s nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

to the Duke of Newcastle, who had complained that General Wolfe was a madman:

Mad, is he? Then I hope he will bite some of my other generals.

George II 1683–1760 British king

on a regimental march:

GENERAL: Isn’t it a little fast, Korngold? The men can’t march to that.

KORNGOLD: Ah yes, well, you see Sir, this was composed for the retreat!

Erich Korngold 1897–1957 Austrian-born American composer

of a general who sent his dispatches from ‘Headquarters in the Saddle’:

The trouble with Hooker is that he’s got his headquarters where his hindquarters ought to be.

Abraham Lincoln 1809–65 American statesman

Join a Highland regiment, me boy. The kilt is an unrivalled garment for fornication and diarrhoea.

John Masters 1914–83 British writer

Napoleon’s armies always used to march on their stomachs shouting: ‘Vive l’Intérieur!’

W. C. Sellar 1898–1951 and R. J. Yeatman 1898–1968 British writers

When the military man approaches, the world locks up its spoons and packs off its womankind.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

As for being a General, well at the age of four with paper hats and wooden swords we’re all Generals. Only some of us never grow out of it.

Peter Ustinov 1921–2004 British actor, director, and writer

Art

Oh, I wish I could draw. I’ve always wanted to draw. I’d give my right arm to be able to draw. It must be very relaxing.

Alan Ayckbourn 1939– English dramatist

Of course he [William Morris] was a wonderful all-round man, but the act of walking round him has always tired me.

Max Beerbohm 1872–1956 English critic, essayist, and caricaturist