A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

God in His wisdom made the fly

And then forgot to tell us why.

Ogden Nash 1902–71 American humorist

I live in a city. I know sparrows from starlings. After that everything’s a duck as far as I’m concerned.

Terry Pratchett 1948–2015 English fantasy writer

I know two things about the horse

And one of them is rather coarse.

Naomi Royde-Smith c.1875–1964 English novelist and dramatist

Apology and Excuses

VERY SORRY CAN’T COME. LIE FOLLOWS BY POST.

Lord Charles Beresford 1846–1919 British politician, message to the Prince of Wales, on being summoned to dine at the eleventh hour

Go ahead and do it. It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission.

Grace Hopper 1906–92 American naval officer and computer scientist

Several excuses are always less convincing than one.

Aldous Huxley 1894–1963 English novelist

on being asked to apologize for calling a fellow MP a liar:

Mr Speaker, I said the honourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan 1751–1816 Irish dramatist and Whig politician

JOHN MCGINLEY: Excuses are like assholes, Taylor—everybody’s got one.

Oliver Stone 1946– American film director, in the film Platoon

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English-born writer

I nearly missed the show tonight. I got to the Underground and saw this sign: ‘Dogs must be carried on the escalators.’ Took me forty minutes to find one.

Harry Worth 1917–89 English comedian

Appearance

see alsoDESCRIPTION, FACES, HAIR

to her former lover Lord Alington as he dined with another woman in a restaurant:

Don’t you recognize me with my clothes on?

Tallulah Bankhead 1903–68 American actress

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

Janette Barber 1953– American comedian and producer

She is not so much dressed as richly upholstered.

J. M. Barrie 1860–1937 Scottish writer and dramatist

I know I looked awful because my mother phoned and said I looked lovely.

Jo Brand 1957– English comedian, after getting a makeover on television

After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.

Barbara Cartland 1901–2000 English writer

Sunburn is very becoming—but only when it is even—one must be careful not to look like a mixed grill.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.

Cindy Crawford 1966– American model

The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.

R. G. Daniels 1916–93 British magistrate

A drag queen’s like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.

Harvey Fierstein 1954– American dramatist and actor

In Los Angeles everyone has perfect teeth. It’s crocodile land.

Gwyneth Paltrow 1972– American actress

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Dolly Parton 1946– American singer and songwriter

Prince Charles’ ears are so big he could hang-glide over the Falklands.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne, explaining why she’s having more plastic surgery at the age of 78

EDINA: What you don’t realize is that inside, inside of me there is a thin person screaming to get out.

MOTHER: Just the one, dear?

Jennifer Saunders 1958– English actress and writer

It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

The Right Hon. was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say ‘When!’

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English-born writer

Architecture

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it’s modern architecture.

Nancy Banks-Smith 1929– British journalist

They said it was split-level and open-plan. But then again so is an NCP car park.

Alan Carr 1976– English comedian

on the proposed extension to the National Gallery, London:

Like a monstrous carbuncle on the face of a much-loved and elegant friend.