A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

To everyone, and servant to the devil.

C. H. Sisson 1914–2003 English poet

A committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.

Herbert Beerbohm Tree 1852–1917 English actor-manager

Business

see alsoMANAGEMENT

Focus groups are people who are selected on the basis of their inexplicable free time and their common love of free sandwiches.

Scott Adams 1957– American cartoonist

Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some hire public relations officers.

Daniel Boorstin 1914–2004 American historian

Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.

Warren Buffett 1930– American businessman

I always invest in companies an idiot could run, because one day one will.

Warren Buffett 1930– American businessman

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

John Cleese 1939– English comic actor and writer

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on.

Sam Goldwyn 1882–1974 American film producer

I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, man.

Jay-Z 1969– American rapper and businessman

Never invest in any idea you can’t illustrate with a crayon.

Peter Lynch 1944– American investor

The longer the title, the less important the job.

George McGovern 1922–2012 American Democratic politician

Skill is fine and genius is splendid, but the right contacts are more valuable than either.

Archibald Hector McIndoe 1900–60 New Zealand plastic surgeon

Running a company on market research is like driving while looking in the rear view mirror.

Anita Roddick 1942–2007 English businesswoman

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

Billy Rose 1899–1966 American producer and songwriter

It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.

Harry S. Truman 1884–1972 American Democratic statesman

Put all your eggs in one basket—and WATCH THAT BASKET.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

The public be damned! I’m working for my stockholders.

William H. Vanderbilt 1821–85 American railway magnate

Nothing is illegal if one hundred well-placed business men decide to do it.

Andrew Young 1932– American politician

Canada

definition of a Canadian:

Somebody who knows how to make love in a canoe.

Pierre Berton 1920–2004 Canadian writer

Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well-informed about the United States.

John Bartlet Brebner 1895–1957 Canadian historian

I don’t even know what street Canada is on.

Al Capone 1899–1947 American gangster

I see Canada as a country torn between a very northern, rather extraordinary, mystical spirit which it fears and its desire to present itself to the world as a Scotch banker.

Robertson Davies 1913–95 Canadian novelist

In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations—it’s cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.

Stuart Keate 1913–87 Canadian journalist

asked about Canadian sovereignty over the Arctic:

That’s ours—lock, stock and iceberg.

Brian Mulroney 1939– Canadian Conservative statesman

I’m world famous, Dr Parks said, all over Canada.

Mordecai Richler 1931–2001 Canadian writer

Catchphrases

seeCOMEDY ROUTINESand Catchphrases

Cats and Dogs

see alsoANIMALS

Cats, I always think, only jump into your lap to check if you are cold enough, yet, to eat.

Anne Enright 1962– Irish novelist and short-story writer

To his dog, every man is Napoleon: hence the constant popularity of dogs.

Aldous Huxley 1894–1963 English novelist

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

Ogden Nash 1902–71 American humorist

That indefatigable and unsavoury engine of pollution, the dog.

John Sparrow 1906–92 English academic

The more one gets to know of men, the more one values dogs.

A. Toussenel 1803–85 French writer

If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

If a dog jumps up into your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.

Alfred North Whitehead 1861–1947 English philosopher and mathematician

Censorship

Will Hays is my shepherd, I shall not want, He maketh me to lie down in clean postures.