A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Gene Fowler 1890–1960 American writer, on the establishment of the ‘Hays Office’ to monitor the Hollywood film industry

TONY HANCOCK: It’s red hot, mate. I hate to think of this sort of book getting into the wrong hands. As soon as I’ve finished this, I shall recommend they ban it.

Ray Galton 1930– and Alan Simpson 1929–2017 English writers

Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.

A. J. Liebling 1904–63 American writer

She sits among the cabbages and leeks.

Marie Lloyd 1870–1922 English music-hall artist, substitution for ‘she sits among the cabbages and peas’, which was supposedly forbidden by a local watch committee

on being appointed Irish film censor:

I am between the devil and the Holy See.

James Montgomery 1870–1943 Irish businessman and film censor

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

Laurence J. Peter 1919–90 Canadian writer

We are paid to have dirty minds.

John Trevelyan 1903–86 British film censor

Certainty and Doubt

see alsoRELIGION

He used to be fairly indecisive, but now he’s not so certain.

Peter Alliss 1931– English golfer

I’ve never had a humble opinion. If you’ve got an opinion, why be humble about it?

Joan Baez 1941– American singer and songwriter

Often undecided whether to desert a sinking ship for one that might not float, he would make up his mind to sit on the wharf for a day.

Lord Beaverbrook 1879–1964 Canadian-born British newspaper proprietor and Conservative politician, of Lord Curzon

Oh! let us never, never doubt

What nobody is sure about!

Hilaire Belloc 1870–1953 British writer and Liberal politician

when asked whether he really believed a horseshoe hanging over his door would bring him luck:

Of course not, but I am told it works even if you don’t believe in it.

Niels Bohr 1885–1962 Danish physicist

I’ll give you a definite maybe.

Sam Goldwyn 1882–1974 American film producer

CHICO MARX: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

Bert Kalmar 1884–1947 and others screenwriters, in the film Duck Soup

I wish I was as cocksure of anything as Tom Macaulay is of everything.

Lord Melbourne 1779–1848 British Whig statesman

I am not denying anything I did not say.

Brian Mulroney 1939– Canadian Conservative statesman

To convince Cézanne of anything is like teaching the towers of Notre Dame to dance.

Émile Zola 1840–1902 French novelist

Challenges

seeLIFEand Its Challenges

Champagne

I could not live without champagne. In victory I deserve it. In defeat I need it.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

Remember gentlemen, it’s not just France we are fighting for, it’s Champagne!

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

Gentlemen, in the little moment that remains to us between the crisis and the catastrophe, we may as well take a glass of champagne.

Paul Claudel 1868–1955 French poet and diplomat, during the Depression of the early 1930s

Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie-detector.

Graham Greene 1904–91 English novelist

Three be the things I shall never attain:

Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

Character

see alsoSELF-KNOWLEDGE

A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn’t.

Anonymous

When people are on their best behaviour they aren’t always at their best.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor

The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Arthur C. Clarke 1917–2008 English science fiction writer

I am so sorry. We have to stop there. I have just come to the end of my personality.

Quentin Crisp 1908–99 English writer, closing down an interview

Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.

Alex Hamilton 1936– British writer and broadcaster

Shyness is egotism out of its depth.

Hugh Kingsmill 1889–1949 English man of letters

He wanted to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth 1884–1980 American socialite, on her father Theodore Roosevelt

SIR HUMPHREY APPLEBY: A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist.