A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

definition of a gentleman:

Someone who can make a grouse do for six.

Nigel Nicolson 1917–2004 English writer

The upper middle classes like anything ecological: it assuages their guilt. Give your posh friends a bag of muddy parsnips. They’ll love it.

Grayson Perry 1960– English ceramic artist

I don’t want to talk grammar, I want to talk like a lady.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

Nothing is more bourgeois than to be afraid to look bourgeois.

Andy Warhol 1927–87 American artist

Really, if the lower orders don’t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them?

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

The Clergy

see alsoRELIGION

Don’t like bishops ... Blessed are the meek my foot! They’re all on the climb. Ever heard of meekness stopping a bishop from becoming a bishop? Nor have I.

Maurice Bowra 1898–1971 English scholar and literary critic

Mr Doctor, that loose gown becomes you so well I wonder your notions should be so narrow.

Elizabeth I 1533–1603 English queen, to the Puritan Dr Humphreys

I remember the average curate at home as something between a eunuch and a snigger.

Ronald Firbank 1886–1926 English novelist

Evangelical vicar, in want of a portable, second-hand font, would dispose, for the same, of a portrait, in frame, of the Bishop, elect, of Vermont.

Ronald Knox 1888–1957 English writer and Roman Catholic priest

to a clergyman who thanked him for the enjoyment he’d given the world:

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you’ve taken out of it.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

As the French say, there are three sexes—men, women, and clergymen.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist

Merit, indeed! ... We are come to a pretty pass if they talk of merit for a bishopric.

Lord Westmorland 1759–1841, Tory statesman

The Bishop ... was talking to the local Master of Hounds about the difficulty he had in keeping his vicars off the incense.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English-born writer

Colours

I cannot pretend to feel impartial about the colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones, and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

on the choice of colour for the Model T Ford:

Any colour—so long as it’s black.

Henry Ford 1863–1947 American car manufacturer and businessman

It’s just my colour: it’s beige!

Elsie Mendl 1865–1950 American socialite and interior decorator, on her first view of the Parthenon

If I could find anything blacker than black, I’d use it.

J. M. W. Turner 1775–1851 English landscape painter

Pink is the navy blue of India.

Diana Vreeland 1903–89 American fashion editor

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the colour purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it.

Alice Walker 1944– American poet

Comebacks

NANCY ASTOR: If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!

WINSTON CHURCHILL: And if I were your husband I would drink it.

Nancy Astor 1879–1964 American-born British Conservative politician

on finishing Bill of Divorcement:

KATHARINE HEPBURN: Thank God, I don’t have to act with you any more.

BARRYMORE: I didn’t know you ever had, darling.

John Barrymore 1882–1942 American actor

PLAYER: I can see your tits from here.

BRADY: Well, when I sell you to Crewe, you won’t be able to see from there.

Karren Brady 1969– British businesswoman, as managing director of Birmingham City Football Club

BESSIE BRADDOCK: Winston, you’re drunk.

CHURCHILL: Bessie, you’re ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

Joan Rivers interviewing Joan Collins about her marriages:

JOAN RIVERS: Which husband was the best lover?

JOAN COLLINS: Yours.

Joan Collins 1933– British actress

to Clare Boothe Luce, who had stood aside for her saying, ‘Age before Beauty’:

Pearls before swine.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

ESTHER MUIR: I’ve never been so insulted in my life.

GROUCHO MARX: Well, it’s early yet.

Robert Pirosh 1910–89, George Seaton 1911–79, and George Oppenheimer screenwriters, in the film A Day at the Races

responding to a savage review by Rudolph Louis: