A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

I am sitting in the smallest room of my house. I have your review before me. In a moment it will be behind me.

Max Reger 1873–1916 German composer

SMITH (TO THE COURT): At the time, my client was as drunk as a judge.

JUDGE (interjecting): Mr Smith, I think you’ll find the phrase is ‘as drunk as a lord’.

SMITH: As your Lordship pleases.

F. E. Smith 1872–1930 British Conservative politician and lawyer

to Richard Adams, who had described Vidal’s novel on Lincoln as ‘meretricious’

Really? Well, meretricious and a happy New Year to you too!

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American novelist and critic

EARL OF SANDWICH: ’Pon my soul, Wilkes, I don’t know whether you’ll die upon the gallows or of the pox.

WILKES: That depends, my Lord, whether I first embrace your Lordship’s principles, or your Lordship’s mistresses.

John Wilkes 1727–97 English parliamentary reformer

Comedy Routines and Catchphrases

Shome mishtake, shurely?

Anonymous, catchphrase in Private Eye magazine

CORBETT: It’s goodnight from me.

BARKER: And it’s goodnight from him.

Ronnie Barker 1929–2005 and Ronnie Corbett 1930–2016 British comedians

GEORGE BURNS: Say goodnight, Gracie.

GRACIE ALLEN: Goodnight, Gracie.

George Burns 1896–1996 American comedian

I have a cunning plan.

Richard Curtis 1956– and Ben Elton 1959– screenwriters, Baldrick’s habitual overoptimistic promise

You might very well think that. I couldn’t possibly comment.

Michael Dobbs 1948– British novelist and broadcaster, the Chief Whip’s habitual response to questioning

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Stop messing about!

Ray Galton 1930– and Alan Simpson 1929–2017 English writers

George—don’t do that.

Joyce Grenfell 1910–79 English comedy actress and writer

No sex, please—we’re British.

Anthony Marriott 1931–2014 and Alistair Foot

What do you think of the show so far? Rubbish!

Eric Morecambe 1926–84 English comedian

I didn’t get where I am today without—.

David Nobbs 1935–2015 British comedy writer, habitual boast of Reggie Perrin’s boss C J

LANCE-CORPORAL JONES [CLIVE DUNN]: They don’t like it up ’em!

Jimmy Perry 1923–2016 and David Croft 1922–2011 screenwriters, in Dad’s Army

Ohhh, I don’t believe it!

David Renwick 1951– British television writer, said by Victor Meldrew (Richard Wilson)

Art thou his father?

Ay, sir, so his mother says, if I may believe her.

William Shakespeare 1564–1616 English dramatist

Computers and the Internet

see alsoSCIENCE, TECHNOLOGY

Now we have the World Wide Web (the only thing I know of whose shortened form—www—takes three times longer to say than what it’s short for).

Douglas Adams 1952–2001 English science fiction writer

To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Anonymous

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Rick Cook 1944– American fantasy writer

You can’t retrieve your life (unless you’re on Wikipedia, in which case you can retrieve an inaccurate version of it).

Nora Ephron 1941–2012 American screenwriter and director

The email of the species is deadlier than the mail.

Stephen Fry 1957– English comedian, actor, and writer

DAVID WALLIAMS: Computer says No.

Matt Lucas 1974– and David Walliams 1971– British comedians

Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type ‘lol’. I type ‘lqtm’: ‘laugh quietly to myself’. It’s more honest.

Demetri Martin 1973– American comedian

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Andy Rooney 1919–2011 American broadcaster

Conjunctivitus.com—now there’s a site for sore eyes.

Tim Vine 1967– English comedian

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Robert Wilensky 1951– American academic

Conversation

see alsoSPEECHES

Although there exist many thousand subjects for elegant conversation, there are persons who cannot meet a cripple without talking about feet.

Ernest Bramah 1868–1942 English writer

Too much agreement kills a chat.

Eldridge Cleaver 1935– American civil rights activist