A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Jonathan Lynn 1943– and Antony Jay 1930–2016 English writers, in Yes Minister

He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.

Kate Cruise O’Brien 1948–98 Irish writer

He’s so wet you could shoot snipe off him.

Anthony Powell 1905–2000 English novelist

You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Ronald Reagan 1911–2004 American Republican statesman

He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety-pin.

Dorothy L. Sayers 1893–1957 English writer

A man does not have to be an angel in order to be a saint.

Albert Schweitzer 1875–1965 Franco-German missionary

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

CECIL GRAHAM: What is a cynic?

LORD DARLINGTON: A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Slice him where you like, a hellhound is always a hellhound.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English-born writer

Children

see alsoBIRTH, FAMILY, YOUTH

And always keep a-hold of Nurse

For fear of finding something worse.

Hilaire Belloc 1870–1953 British writer and Liberal politician

The place is very well and quiet and the children only scream in a low voice.

Lord Byron 1788–1824 English poet

on being asked what sort of child he was:

When paid constant attention, extremely lovable. When not, a pig.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

There was never child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.

Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803–82 American philosopher and poet

HOMER SIMPSON: Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all.

Matt Groening 1954– American humorist and satirist

at the first night of J. M. Barrie’s Peter Pan:

Oh, for an hour of Herod!

Anthony Hope 1863–1933 English novelist

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

Jean Kerr 1923–2003 American writer

definition of a baby:

A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Ronald Knox 1888–1957 English writer and Roman Catholic priest

The parent who could see his boy as he really is, would shake his head and say: ‘Willie is no good; I’ll sell him.’

Stephen Leacock 1869–1944 Canadian humorist

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

Parents—especially step-parents—are sometimes a bit of a disappointment to their children. They don’t fulfil the promise of their early years.

Anthony Powell 1905–2000 English novelist

Go directly—see what she’s doing, and tell her she mustn’t.

Punch 1841–1992 English humorous weekly periodical

I’m in that benign form of house arrest that is looking after a baby.

J. K. Rowling 1965– English novelist

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

Harry S. Truman 1884–1972 American Democratic statesman

If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money.

Abigail Van Buren 1918–2013 American journalist

I love my children ... I’m delighted to see them come and delighted to see them go.

Mary Wesley 1912–2002 English novelist

The main purpose of children’s parties is to remind you that there are children more awful than your own.

Katharine Whitehorn 1928– English journalist

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Choice

That’s a bit like asking a man crawling across the Sahara whether he would prefer Perrier or Malvern Water.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor, replying to a question by Ian McKellen on his sexual orientation

woman to waiter, seeing Sally acting an orgasm:

I’ll have what she’s having.

Nora Ephron 1941–2012 American writer and journalist, in the film When Harry Met Sally

George V was asked which film he would like to see while convalescing:

Anything except that damned Mouse.

George V 1865–1936 British king

A compromise in the sense that being bitten in half by a shark is a compromise with being swallowed whole.

P. J. O’Rourke 1947– American humorous writer