A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Do I believe in free will? Of course, I have no choice.

Isaac Bashevis Singer 1904–91 Polish-born American novelist and short-story writer

in the post office, pointing at the centre of a sheet of stamps:

I’ll take that one.

Herbert Beerbohm Tree 1852–1917 English actor-manager

Christmas

on her husband:

Fang is the cheapest man alive. On Christmas Eve, he puts the kids to bed, fires one shot, and tells them Santa has committed suicide.

Phyllis Diller 1917–2012 American actress

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

GROUCHO MARX: It’s all right. That’s—that’s in every contract. That’s—that’s what they call a sanity clause.

CHICO MARX: You can’t fool me. There ain’t no Sanity Claus.

George S. Kaufman 1889–1961 and Morrie Ryskind 1895–1985 screenwriters, in the film A Night at the Opera

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Garrison Keillor 1942– American humorous writer and broadcaster

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

P. J. O’Rourke 1947– American humorous writer

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

Shirley Temple 1928–2014 American film actress

The Cinema

see alsoFILM PRODUCERS, FILM STARS, HOLLYWOOD

This film wasn’t released—it escaped.

Robert Altman 1922–2006 American film director, on M.A.S.H.

Adolph Zukor had protested at the escalating costs of The Ten Commandments:

What do you want me to do? Stop shooting now and release it as The Five Commandments?

Cecil B. De Mille 1881–1959 American film producer

GEORGES FRANJU: Movies should have a beginning, a middle and an end.

JEAN-LUC GODARD: Certainly. But not necessarily in that order.

Jean-Luc Godard 1930– French film director

of one of his own films:

It’s more than magnificent, it’s mediocre.

Sam Goldwyn 1882–1974 American film producer

told that he could not film Radclyffe Hall’s The Well of Loneliness as it dealt with lesbians:

So, make them Latvians.

Sam Goldwyn 1882–1974 American film producer

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

Sam Goldwyn 1882–1974 American film producer

It would have been cheaper to lower the Atlantic!

Lew Grade 1906–98 British television producer and executive, of the disaster movie Raise the Titanic

‘Do you have a leading lady for your film?’

‘We’re trying for the Queen, she sells.’

George Harrison 1943–2001 English singer and songwriter

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Alfred Hitchcock 1899–1980 British-born film director

on directing Elizabeth Taylor in Cleopatra:

I’m not [biting my fingernails]. I’m biting my knuckles. I finished the fingernails months ago.

Joseph L. Mankiewicz 1909–93 American screenwriter, producer, and director

The trouble, Mr Goldwyn, is that you are only interested in art and I am only interested in money.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist, telegraphed version of the outcome of a conversation between Shaw and Sam Goldwyn

Anything but Beethoven. Nobody wants to see a movie about a blind composer.

Jack Warner 1892–1978 Canadian-born American film producer

Cities

seeTOWNSand Cities

Class

see alsoARISTOCRACY, SNOBBERY

His lordship may compel us to be equal upstairs, but there will never be equality in the servants’ hall.

J. M. Barrie 1860–1937 Scottish writer and dramatist

You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.

Rob Beckett English comedian

When every one is somebodee,

Then no one’s anybody.

W. S. Gilbert 1836–1911 English writer

when William Douglas Home, son of the 13th Earl of Home, was sent to prison in 1944, his mother told him:

Be sure to pack your evening clothes. The governor is bound to ask you to dine.

Lady Douglas Home 1909–90

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? All the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewellery.

John Lennon 1940–80 English pop singer and songwriter