A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.

George Eliot 1819–80 English novelist

How time flies when you’s doin’ all the talking.

Harvey Fierstein 1954– American dramatist and actor

If you are ever at a loss to support a flagging conversation, introduce the subject of eating.

Leigh Hunt 1784–1859 English poet and essayist

The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

No-one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you’ll see why.

Mignon McLaughlin 1913–83 American writer

commenting that George Bernard Shaw’s wife was a good listener:

God knows she had plenty of practice.

J. B. Priestley 1894–1984 English novelist, dramatist, and critic

Faith, that’s as well said, as if I had said it myself.

Jonathan Swift 1667–1745 Irish poet and satirist

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.

Jean Webster 1876–1916 American novelist

If one plays good music, people don’t listen and if one plays bad music people don’t talk.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Cookery

see alsoDIETS, FOOD

Anyone who tells a lie has not a pure heart, and cannot make a good soup.

Ludwig van Beethoven 1770–1827 German composer

Be content to remember that those who can make omelettes properly can do nothing else.

Hilaire Belloc 1870–1953 British writer and Liberal politician

[My] standard position in regard to cooking is on the sofa with my feet up.

Peg Bracken 1918–2007 American writer

The discovery of a new dish does more for the happiness of mankind than the discovery of a new star.

Anthelme Brillat-Savarin 1755–1826 French jurist and gourmet

I always give my bird a generous butter massage before I put it in the oven. Why? Because I think the chicken likes it—and, more importantly, I like it.

Julia Child 1912–2004 American cook

You cannot trust people who have such bad cuisine. It is the country with the worst food after Finland.

Jacques Chirac 1932– French statesman, on the British

I have made a consommé devoutly to be wished.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

We approached our new microwave oven with the trepidation of two people returning to a reactor station after a leak.

Fanny Cradock 1909–94 English cook

An unwatched pot boils immediately.

H. F. Ellis 1907–2000 English writer

Old Italian chefs never die—they’re just put out to pasta.

Shelby Friedman

Heaven sends us good meat, but the Devil sends cooks.

David Garrick 1717–79 English actor-manager

A cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

Sorry, I don’t do offal.

Jamie Oliver 1975– English chef and broadcaster, invited to help improve the food in the Westminster kitchens

A woman always has half an onion left over, no matter what the size of the onion, the dish or the woman.

Terry Pratchett 1948–2015 English fantasy writer

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen’.

Rita Rudner 1953– American comedienne and writer

The cook was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went.

Saki 1870–1916 Scottish writer

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served nothing but leftovers. The original meal was never found.

Tracey Ullman 1959– English-born actress

Countries and Peoples

see alsoAMERICA, AUSTRALIA, BRITISH, CANADA, FRANCE, IRELAND

It’s where they commit suicide and the king rides a bicycle, Sweden.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor

They’re Germans. Don’t mention the war.

John Cleese 1939– and Connie Booth 1944– English and American-born comic actors

When it comes to clichés, the Germans are extremely diligent, efficient and disciplined about living up to them.

Rainer Erlinger 1965– German physician and lawyer

I’m not Jewish. I only look intelligent.

Werner Finck 1902–78 German comedian, to Nazis in his cabaret audience

on being asked his opinion of New Zealand:

I find it hard to say, because when I was there it seemed to be shut.

Clement Freud 1924–2009 English politician, broadcaster, and writer

Holland ... lies so low they’re only saved by being dammed.