Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

Section 65 2 Drops every 4 hours

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, «Put two drops in right ear every four hours,» and he abbreviated «right» as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

«Put two drops in R ear every four hours.»

Words and Expressions:

actually действительно

practice практика

earache боль в ухе

prescription предписание, рецепт

ear drops ушные капли

to abbreviate сокращать, давать аббревиатуру

circle кружок

greasy замасленный 

oil масло

pharmacist фармацевт

to type напечатать

label ярлык, этикетка

rearсленг зад

back in the early days давно в прошлом

Section 66 Bob's doctor

«Would you mind telling me, Doctor,» Bob asked, «how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?»

«Nothing is easier,» he replied. «You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.»

«What sort of question?»

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' "

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, «You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess, I don't know much about history.»

Words and Expressions:

to detect определять

mental умственный

deficiency недостаточность, неполноценность

nervous нервный

to put sb on the track наводить кого-л. на след

What sort of…? Какого типа…?

Section 67 Doc, i'm constipated

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, «Doc, I'm constipated.»

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, «Lean over the table.»

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK… and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, «Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?»

The doctor says, «Stop wiping with cement bags!»

Words and Expressions:

construction строительный

constipation запор

to be constipated страдать запором

to whackразг. сильно ударять

baseball бейсбольный

bat бита

to prevent предотвращать

cement цемент

bag мешок

Section 68 The heavenly baseball game

The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. «How can you win, Satan?» asked St. Peter. "«All the famous ballplayers are up here.»

«How can I lose?» answered Satan. «All the umpires are down there.»

Words and Expressions:

heavenly небесный

to win выигрывать, побеждать

famous знаменитый

to lose проигрывать

umpire арбитр

to challenge sb to sth бросать кому-л. вызов в чем-л.

Section 69 Irish golfer and the magician

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. «Goodness,» says the golfer, and then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, «Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a magician. I will grant you three wishes.»

The man says, «I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,» and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the magician says, «Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.»

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off losing for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The magician says, «I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?»

The golfer says, «It's great! I always win.»

«I did that for you,» responds the magician. «And might I ask how your money is holding out?»