Crazy Rich Asians

“What utter nonsense is she talking? Bernard hasn’t lived in this house for years,” Lorena Lim whispered. But Carol was looking at Sister Gracie as if she were receiving a message from Jesus Christ himself, and she continued to allow the wholesale destruction of antiquities that would have made any museum curator weep.

“It’s been like this for hours. They started in the dato’s study,” Daisy whispered. Eleanor jumped a little as Sister Gracie tipped over a Qianlong funerary urn next to her. “Those snakes on that urn! Those snakes are descended from the one in the Garden of Eden,” Sister Gracie screeched.

“Alamak, Elle, Lorena, come help me rescue some things from Carol’s bedroom before Sister Gracie gets in there. If she sees that ivory sculpture of Quan Yin, the goddess of mercy, she’s going to start convulsing! That Quan Yin has been around since the twelfth century, but it will have no hope surviving this one,” Daisy said furtively. The three of them backed slowly away from the living room and made a beeline for Carol’s bedroom.

The ladies rushed about wrapping up any decorative objects that could possibly be at risk in towels and pillowcases and shoving them into their handbags and random shopping bags.

“Those jade parrots! Grab those jade parrots!” Daisy instructed.

“Is the water buffalo considered satanic?” Lorena wondered, holding up a delicate horn carving.

“Aiyah, don’t stand there using eye power! Take everything! Put it all in your handbag! We can return everything to Carol once she comes to her senses,” Daisy barked.

“I wish I’d used my Birkin and not my Kelly today,” Lorena lamented as she tried to fit the water buffalo into her stiff leather handbag.

“Okay, my driver is parked just outside the kitchen door. Give me the first shopping bags and I will run them over to my car,” Eleanor said. As she grabbed the first two shopping bags from Daisy, a maid entered Carol’s bedroom.

Eleanor knew she had to get past the maid with her suspiciously bulging shopping bags. “Girlie, fetch me a glass of iced tea with lemon,” she said in her most imperious tone.

“Alamak, Elle, it’s me—Nadine!” Eleanor almost dropped her shopping bags in shock. Nadine was utterly unrecognizable. She was dressed in yoga sweats, and gone was the thick mask of makeup, the over-teased hair, and the ostentatious jewelry.

“Oh my God, Nadine, what happened to you? I thought you were one of the maids!” Eleanor exclaimed.

“Nadine, I love your new look! Aiyah, now I can see how Francesca used to look just like you, before her cheek implants,” Daisy gushed.

Nadine smiled bleakly, plopping down on Carol’s Huanghuali bed. “My father-in-law woke up from his coma, as you know. We were all so happy, and when they discharged him from the hospital, we drove him home and had a surprise party waiting for him. All the Shaws were there. But we forgot the old man had never been to the new house—we bought Leedon Road after he had gone into a coma. Old man threw a fit when he realized this was our new house. He said, ‘Wah, who do you think you are, living in such a big mansion with so many cars and servants?’ Then when he got inside and saw Francesca all dressed up, he started to choke. He started screaming that she looked like a prostitute from Geylang.^* Aiyah, she was wearing haute couture for her grandpa! Is it her fault that hemlines are so short this season? The very next morning, he made his lawyers take back control of Shaw Foods. He kicked my poor Ronnie off the board, and he froze all the bank accounts, everything. Now he has ordered us to return every penny we’ve spent in the last six years, or he’s threatening to disinherit all of us and give his whole fortune to the Shaw Foundation!”

“My goodness, Nadine. How are you managing?” Lorena asked, gravely concerned. Nadine was one of L’Orient Jewelry’s biggest clients, and her sudden reversal of fortune would surely affect the quarterly numbers.