Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

Another part of desire that you may also be noticing is a physical thing that can be called “skin hunger.” Teen girls and boys are very huggy and touchy sometimes. Your parents probably satisfied your skin hunger when you were a child—all that cuddling and loving and sitting on their laps. Now that you are spending less time with parents and more time with friends, it’s normal to look to your friends for that special touch. It’s also normal to sometimes want to be touched or hugged by your boyfriend or crush.

As you notice skin hunger, you may also notice a physical feeling in your genital area. This is a reflex that is part of sexual desire, and it signals that your brain is starting to grow in the romance department. Some girls and women describe the genital feelings of desire as fullness, warmth, tingling or a twinge. Along with that sensation, another reflex makes the vagina release fluids that make it feel wet. Some girls have no clue this happens unless they touch the vaginal area and feel it. Other girls have enough lubrication to make their underwear get wet. It’s not the same “wetness” that happens with normal vaginal discharge, but it, too, is normal with sexual desire.

Remember, guys get lots and lots of erections as teens, and girls also have many sexual thoughts and feelings. But just because a boy gets an erection or a girl has sexual feelings doesn’t mean they have to have sex.

Neither boys nor girls NEED to have sex, and in fact, most don’t. Instead, you need to learn to recognize and appreciate your sexual arousal in ways other than intercourse. There are lots of ways to enjoy these sexual feelings without having sex. Sometimes, you can just sit back and enjoy the feeling and know that your body is working like it’s meant to.

Solo Sex Revisited

Some teens masturbate when these sexual urges are strong. That can let them release some sexual urges in a safe way and get on with other things. It’s weird to talk about masturbation and even weirder to think about whether it’s okay or not. Let us assure you that most people masturbate at some point in their lives, but few will admit it. Keep in mind, it’s not a popular dinner conversation, it’s not a group activity, and it shouldn’t consume your free time, but it is both safe and normal.

Should you ask your parents if it’s okay to masturbate? That’s up to you. A lot of parents will get totally freaked out if you ask, even though they may think it’s fine. That’s because they don’t want to know you are having sexual feelings. Kind of like the way you don’t want to believe that your parents “do it.” But if parents consider the options—(1) you relieve your own sexual urges versus (2) you look for someone else to relieve them for you—most parents would agree: help yourself! But pleeeeze keep it private! If you need to relieve sexual urges, we would bet that you can learn to make yourself feel better sexually than any awkward teenage boy can try to make you feel. And remember, just because you have sexual urges doesn’t mean you need to do anything at all!

Warm Fuzzies

Being intimate is the heart and soul of a mature relationship. Intimacy is a two-way street; it means getting close with someone emotionally and physically in a very comfortable way and having that feeling returned to you. It’s hard to talk about with young teens, because it’s not a big part of your sexual development until you are older. (It has to do with all the stuff about how your brain is growing and developing. . . .) We’ll spare you the details right now, but you need to gain some independence and self-respect and get some experience under your belt before you’ll understand true intimacy.

Intimacy doesn’t always mean boyfriend-girlfriend or husband-wife stuff. You can also be intimate with your best buds. This means:• Sharing secrets • Accepting flaws • Knowing how to forgive • Getting to know your friends’ likes and dislikes • Trusting

The list goes on and on, and it’s all good. Does this all sound familiar It’s just like we talked about in the chapter on “friends who rock.”

For now, developing intimate friendships, learning to be a good friend, and finding those friends who rock is what you will build on as you get older and develop intimate romantic relationships. Remember, emotional intimacy should always come before physical intimacy. That means learning how to be intimate with feelings should come before you try to learn how to be intimate with your body.