The Complete Yes Minister

They asked me for my views on transport. I had none, but I don’t think they realised because I carefully invited them to explain themselves further. I’m sure they thought that I was merely playing my cards close to my chest.

‘We’ve been discussing a national integrated transport policy,’ they said.

‘Well, why not?’ I replied casually.

‘You’re in favour?’ enquired Sir Arnold quickly.

I thought the answer required was ‘yes’ but I wasn’t yet sure so I contented myself by looking enigmatic. I’m sure that they were by now convinced that I was sound, because Sir Mark continued: ‘Unfortunately, public dissatisfaction with the nationalised transport industries is now at a high enough level to worry the government, as you know.’

Again he waited. ‘Can you go on?’ I enquired.

He went on. ‘We need a policy.’ I nodded sagely. ‘It’s no good just blaming the management when there’s an R in the month and blaming the unions the rest of the time.’

Sir Arnold chipped in. ‘And unfortunately now they’ve all got together. They all say that it’s all the government’s fault – everything that goes wrong is the result of not having a national transport policy.’

This was all news to me. I thought we had a policy. As a matter of fact, I specifically recall that in our discussions prior to the writing of our manifesto we decided that our policy was not to have a policy. I said so.

Sir Mark nodded. ‘Be that as it may,’ he grunted, ‘the PM now wants a positive policy.’

I wished Sir Mark had said so earlier. But I can take a hint, and it was not too late. ‘Ah, the PM, I see.’ I nodded again. ‘Well, I couldn’t agree more, I’ve always thought so myself.’

Sir Arnold and Sir Mark looked pleased, but I still couldn’t see what it had to do with me. I assumed that it was a Department of Transport matter. Sir Arnold disabused me.

‘Obviously the Transport Secretary would love to get his teeth into the job, but he’s a bit too close to it all.’

‘Can’t see the wood for the trees,’ said Sir Mark.

‘Needs an open mind. Uncluttered,’ added Sir Arnold.

‘So,’ said Sir Mark, ‘the PM has decided to appoint a Supremo to develop and implement a national transport policy.’

A Supremo. I asked if I were the PM’s choice. The knights nodded. I must admit I felt excited and proud and really rather overwhelmed by this extraordinary good piece of news. And there were more compliments to come.

‘It was decided,’ said Sir Mark, ‘that you had the most open mind of all.’

‘And the most uncluttered,’ added Sir Arnold. They really were grovelling.

I naturally responded cautiously. Firstly because I simply couldn’t imagine what the job entailed, and secondly it’s always good to play hard to get when you’re in demand. So I thanked them for the honour, agreed that it was a pretty vital and responsible job, and asked what it entailed.

‘It’s to help the consumer,’ said Sir Mark. Though when Sir Arnold laboriously pointed out that helping the consumer was always a vote-winner, I reminded him firmly that I was interested purely because I saw it as my duty to help. My sense of public duty.

During the conversation it gradually became clear what they had in mind. All kinds of idiocies have occurred in the past, due to a lack of a natural integrated policy. Roughly summarising now, Sir Mark and Sir Arnold were concerned about:

Motorway planning: Our motorways were planned without reference to railways, so that now there are great stretches of motorway running alongside already existing railways.

As a result, some parts of the country are not properly served at all.

The through-ticket problem: If, for instance, you want to commute from Henley to the City, you have to buy a British Rail ticket to Paddington and then buy an underground ticket to the Bank.

Timetables: The complete absence of combined bus and railway timetables.

Airport Links: Very few. For instance, there’s a British Rail Western Region line that runs less than a mile north of Heathrow – but no link line.

Connections: Bus and train services don’t connect up, all over London.

Sir A. and Sir M. outlined these problems briefly. They added that there are probably problems outside London too, although understandably they didn’t know about them.

The possibilities are obviously great, and it’s all very exciting. I suggested having a word with Humphrey before I accepted responsibility, but they made it plain that they wanted my opinion and approval. Not his. Rather flattering, really. Also, it shows that they have finally realised that I’m not a straw man – I really run my Department, not like some Ministers.

Furthermore it transpired that the PM was due to leave for the airport in thirty minutes on the long trip involving the Ottawa Conference, and the opening of the UN General Assembly in New York, and then on to the meeting in Washington.

Jokingly I asked, ‘Who’s going to run the country for the next week?’ but Sir Arnold didn’t seem awfully amused.