The Schwa Was Here

He took the first step, and it seemed the next ones were a lit­tle bit easier. Then, when he got to the top of the stairs and saw her sprawled at the very bottom, he flew to her side like a man half his age.

"Lexie, honey—it'll be okay. Tell me where it hurts." He looked at the gawking waiters and diners. "Didn't any of you morons call an ambulance?"

And with that, Lexie stood up. I grabbed Crawley's left arm, Lexie's harmonica-playing driver grabbed his right, and we whisked him through the kitchen and out the restaurant's back door before anyone knew what was happening.

It was a nasty trick, but there weren't many things that would get Crawley down those stairs. Lexie had the easy part—lying there pretending to be hurt, but I was the one who had to get him to come out. I'm not much of an actor. In grade school, I usually got roles like "Third Boy, " or "Middle Broccoli," or in one embarrassing year, "Rear End of Horse." I had no confi­dence in my ability to pull this off, but the fact that I was so nervous had actually helped.

By the time Crawley gathered up enough of his wits to real­ize this was a conspiracy, we already had him in the backseat of the Lincoln. When he tried to escape, I got in his way and closed the door—which was protected by child locks so it couldn't be opened from the inside.

I won't repeat the words Crawley shouted at us. Some of them were words I didn't even know—and I know quite a lot.

"You're not getting out of this," I told him, "so you might as well cooperate."

He turned to Lexie. "What is this all about? Did he put you up to this?"

"It's my idea, Grandpa."

"This is kidnappingl" he squealed. "I'll press charges."

"I can just see the headlines," Lexie said.

"Yeah," I added. '"Rich Kook Presses Charges on Poor Blind Granddaughter.' The press will eat it up."

"You shut up!" he said. "By the time you get out of jail, you'll have gray hair."

"Naah," I said. "I'll be bald, more likely. It runs in my family."

The fact that I didn't seem to care made him even more furious.

By the time we pulled out of the alley we had put a blindfold on him, and he didn't resist because he didn't want to see the outside world anyway. He was quiet for a minute, then he said, "What are you going to do to me?" He was truly frightened now. I almost felt sorry for him. The key word here is "almost."

"I have no idea," I told him, which was true—Lexie still hadn't told me what she had planned. She said I'd chicken out if I knew, and so I didn't press her, figuring she might be right. We rode to Brooklyn Heights—the part of Brooklyn that faced Manhattan right across the East River. Then we drove onto a pier. That's when I figured out what Lexie had planned.

"Oh, wow," I said. "You've got to be kidding!"

"WhatI" shouted Crawley. "Kidding about what? What is it?" But he made no attempt to uncover his eyes.

"You can't be serious," I told Lexie. "It'll kill him."

The driver opened the door. "Sorry about this, Mr. Crawley," said the driver in a heavy accent. "But Lexie say this for your own good."

"Is it a boat?" Crawley asked, obviously smelling the stench of the river. "I hate boatsl"

"No boat," said the driver. He helped Lexie out. "Leave me hold Moxie. You go."

No one, not even the driver, was willing to tell Crawley that his next mode of transportation was going to be a helicopter. He'd have to discover that for himself.

I led him down the pier to the heliport at the very end, and he didn't fight me. He was broken now. Too scared to run, too scared to do anything but go where we led him. He stumbled a few times on the weed-cracked pavement, but I had a good hold on him. I wasn't going to let him fall. "Big step up," I told him.

"Up to where?"

I gave him no answer, but once he was seated and I had strapped him in, I think he figured it out.

He moaned the deep moan of the condemned. The pilot, who I guess was hired by Lexie for our little therapeutic flight, waited until we were all strapped in. Then he started the en­gine. Crawley whimpered. Okay, now I really did feel sorry for him. Lexie just said, "This is going to be fun, Grandpa."

"You terrible, terrible girl."

I began to wonder if Lexie had gone too far. She did tend to have a blind spot for others' feelings, and that was one place Moxie couldn't guide her. The helicopter powered up, the slow foom-foom-foom of the blades speeding into a steady whir. We wobbled for an instant, then went straight up, like an elevator with no cable. Through the large window I saw the strange sight of Lexie's driver holding on to Moxie and waving good-bye.

"You can take off your blindfold now, Grandpa."

"No, I won't!" he said, like a child. "You can't make me." He clapped his hands tightly over his eyes, keeping the blind­fold firmly in place.