The Stainless Steel Rat for President

A few minutes later I found myself whistling cheerily as I stowed the uniform and equipment in a bin behind the hotel kitchen. Once this had been done I became a simple tourist again, one of the goggle-eyed horde that milled about and shouted to one another for information about what was going on. Some of the guides and hotel workers were attempting to calm them, but I stayed well away from any of the locals, no matter how innocent they appeared to be. I joined some tourists on the beach, and if I strolled further down the sunny sands than they did, who was to say no? A headland pushed out to form a bay here, and when I walked around it I was safely out of sight of the hotel and all of the disturbance I had so unwittingly caused.

By this time I was pleasantly tired. An easy climb up the bank brought me to the edge of the jungle. I sat down gratefully in the shade of a large tree, out of sight of the beach below, and enjoyed the changing colors of the twilight. "The sun dropped into the ocean, without the slightest hiss, and darkness slowly descended. So did 1. The grass was soft, the jungle free of tropical insects; my eyes closed and I slept the sleep of the innocent and the just.

It was either the ron or the exercise, or both, for I didn't stir until the rising sun struck color from the sky above. I yawned, stretched-and listened to the rumble of my empty stomach. It was time to return. But before I did, I emptied my pockets of all my illegal equipment and buried the items at the base of a large tree. Then, innocent and unshaven I made my way back to the hotel complex.

With the same amount of precaution I had used in leaving it. After all I had gone through I did not want to get a hole blown through me by some trigger-happy recruit. The only way to get off this planet was to surrender to the authorities. But I wanted to do that on my own terms.

The restaurant was the ideal place. I approached it under the cover of the ornamental shrubbery, out of sight of the policemen stamping up and down before the entrance, and slipped in through an open window. A few early risers were already tucking into their breakfasts and I intended to do the same. I filled a plate from the buffet, poured a glass of juice and a cup of coffee, and was well into the same before one of the waiters noticed me and did a trembling take. As he hurried off I took my coffee and moved to another table that was closer to the other diners.

"What was all that trouble about yesterday?" I asked an elderly couple who were shoveling down eggs as though the last hen alive had just died.

"Won't tell us, that's what. Not a word," he said between bites. She nodded agreement, never slowing. "Not good enough I told them. Didn't pay my money to watch a gunfight. Money back I told them, next ship out." Before I could think of a witty answer there was a struggle in the doorway as a half-dozen policemen pushed their way through and ran to my table. Guns pointed.

"Tf vnil iTialfp a rnnvp wf firpl" rm*] nf thpm cinll,prt "Waiter!" I called out loudly. "Get the manager! Get somebody, quickly! Tell him to come at once!" I sipped my coffee as the uniformed mob pushed close. "You will come with us," an officer said.

"Why?" I asked quietly, aware of the watching tourists and hotel employees.

Two of the cops grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me to my feet. I did not resist, though it took a decided effort of will. More men were approaching and I recognized one of them. Our guide.

"Jorge!" I shouted. "What is the meaning of this? Who are these strangely dressed men?" "They are police," he said~wringing his hands together and looking very unhappy. "They wish to talk to you." "Fine. They can talk to me right here. I'm a tourist and I have my rights." There was a good deal of shouting then in Espanol, backed by the conversational hum of the gathering tourists. Everything was going fine. Jorge turned back to me, looking even more unhappy.

"I'm sorry, I can do nothing. They wish you to go with them." "Kidnapped!" I shouted: "A poor tourist kidnapped by fake police! Call the government, call the tourist board, call my consul! You'll pay for this-I'll sue this two-bit planet into bankruptcy if you let this happen." The onlookers murmured in agreement and they might even have let me go if a tall officer had not pushed through the crowd. He was steely of eye and firm of glance, and immediately took charge of the matter.

"Do not worry my good sir, you are not under arrest, goodness no. Release him at once!" The restraining hands dropped away. He smiled and turned to me, and when he spoke it was as much for the benefit of the watching tourists as for mine.