To the Ends of the Earth

The English required guests to be uncomplaining, and most of the lower-middle-class people who ran bed-and-breakfast places were intolerant of a guest’s moaning, and they thought—with some justification—that they had in their lives suffered more than that guest. “During the war,” they always began, and I knew I was about to lose the argument in the face of some evidence of terrible hardship. During the war, Donald Puttock was buzz-bombed by the Germans as he crouched under his small staircase in Homchurch, and, as he often said, he was lucky to be alive.

I told him I was traveling around the coast.

“Just what we did!” Mr. Puttock said. He and Florence had driven from Kent to Cornwall in search of a good place to live. They had stopped in all the likely places. Newquay was the best. They would stay here until they died. If they moved at all (Florence wanted fewer bedrooms), it would be down the road.

“Course, the local people ’ere ’ate us,” Mr. Puttock said, cheerfully.

“Donald got his nose bitten off the other day by a Cornishman,” Mrs. Puttock said. “Still hasn’t got over it.”

“I don’t give a monkey’s,” Mr. Puttock said.

Later, Mrs. Puttock said that she had always wanted to do bed and breakfast. She wasn’t like some of them, she said, who made their guests leave the house after breakfast and stay away all day—some of these people you saw in the bus shelter, they weren’t waiting for the number fifteen; they were bed-and-breakfast people, killing time. It was bed-and-breakfast etiquette to stay quietly out of the house all day, even if it was raining.

Mrs. Puttock gave me a card she had had printed. It listed the attractions of her house.

• TV Lounge

• Access to rooms at all times

• Interior-sprung mattresses

• Free parking space on premises

• Free shower available

• Separate tables

The lounge was the Puttocks’ parlor, the parking space was their driveway, the shower was a shower, and the tables tables. This described their house, which was identical with every other bungalow in Newquay.

I was grateful for the bed-and-breakfast places. At ten-thirty, after the Falklands news (and now every night there was “Falklands Special”), while we were all a bit dazed by the violence and the speculation and Mr. Puttock was saying, “The Falklands look like bloody Bodmin Moor, but I suppose we have to do something,” Mrs. Puttock would say to me, “Care for a hot drink?” When she was in the kitchen making Ovaltine, Mr. Puttock and I were talking baloney about the state of the world. I was grateful, because to me this was virgin territory—a whole house open to my prying eyes: books, pictures, postcard messages, souvenirs, and opinions. I especially relished looking at family photographs. “That’s us at the Fancy Dress Ball in Romford just after the war.… That’s our cat, Monty.… That’s me in a bathing costume.…” My intentions were honorable but my instincts were nosy, and I went sniffing from bungalow to bungalow to discover how these people lived.

(3) B & B: The Bull

MR. DEEDY AT THE BULL SAID, “SEE, NO ONE WANTS TO make plans ahead. They go on working. It’s not only the money. They don’t like to go away, because they don’t know whether they’ll have jobs to go back to.”

Then “Falklands Special” was on television, and we dutifully trooped toward Mrs. Deedy’s shout of “It’s the news!” The news was very bad: more deaths, more ships sunk. But there was always great bewilderment among people watching the news, because there was never enough of it and it was sometimes contradictory. Why were there so few photographs of fighting? Usually it was reporters speaking of disasters over crackly telephones. The English seemed—in private—ashamed and confused, and regarded Argentina as pathetic, ramshackle, and unlucky, with a conscript army of very young boys. They hated discussing it, but they could talk all night on the subject of how business was bad.

“You just reminded me,” Mrs. Deedy said. “The Smiths have canceled. They had that September booking. Mr. Smith rang this morning.”

“Knickers,” Mr. Deedy said.

“His wife died,” Mrs. Deedy said.

“Oh?” Mr. Deedy was doubtful—sorry he had said knickers.

“She wasn’t poorly,” Mrs. Deedy said. “It was a heart attack.”

Mr. Deedy relaxed at the news of the heart attack. It was no one’s fault, really—not like a sickness or a crime. This was more a kind of removal.

“That’s another returned deposit,” Mrs. Deedy said. She was cross.

“That makes two so far,” Mr. Deedy said. “Let’s hope there aren’t any more.”

The next day I heard two tattling ladies talking about the Falklands. It was being said that the British had become jingoistic because of the war, and that a certain swagger was now evident. It was true of the writing in many newspapers, but it was seldom true of the talk I heard. Most people were like Mrs. Mullion and Miss Custis at the Britannia in Combe Martin, who, after some decent platitudes, wandered from talk of the Falklands to extensive reminiscing about the Second World War.