Читаем Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы полностью

Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

Section 33
I'm getting a divorce

Andy walked into the neighborhood bar and announced that he was divorcing his wife. The bartender asked why.

«Well,» Andy said, «yesterday was her birthday, so I took her to the fanciest restaurant in town.» «So?» the bartender replies.

"So I ordered a bottle of their best champagne, and I made a toast 'To the best woman a man could have.' "

«What's wrong with that?»

«Four waiters joined in…»

Words and Expressions:

to walk идти, передвигаться пешком

neighborhood соседство; соседний

to announce объявлять

bartender бармен

fancyзд. модный

restaurant ресторан

to order заказывать c

hampagne шампанское

toast тост

wrong неправильный, плохой; неправильно, плохо

waiter официант

to join in присоединяться

Section 34
Loyal wife

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, «You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!»

Words and Expressions:

loyalзд. верный

to slip скользить, выскальзывать

comaмед. кома

bedside место у кровати

to come to приходить в себя

to motion знаком подзывать

to support поддерживать

to fail ослабевать, сдавать

luck успех, везение

every single day каждый божий день

to get fired быть уволенным

to get shot быть раненым или убитым из огнестрельного оружия

bad luck невезение

Section 35
What to do when your wife Goes overboard

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: «Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise.»

The old man faxed back: «Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.»

Words and Expressions:

stormy штормовой

wave волна

to search искать

shore берег

promise обещание

to notify известить

fax факс

to haul вытаскивать сетью

deck палуба

to attach прицеплять, присоединять

butt ягодицы

oyster устрица

pearl жемчужина

to adviseзд. извещать, предписывать

to re-bait (от bait наживлять, заряжать насадкой) перезаряжать, наживлять заново

trap ловушка

to wash overboard смывать за борт

It read в ней говорилось

worth $50,000 стоимостью в 50 тысяч долларов

to fax back ответить по факсу

Section 36
A widow

A woman was leaving a cafe after her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean-looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, «I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?»

The woman replied, «Well, that first hearse is for my husband.»

«What happened to him?»

The woman replied, «My dog attacked and killed him.»

She inquired further, «Well, who is in the second hearse?»

The woman answered, «My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.»

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

«Can I borrow the dog?»

«Get in line.»

Words and Expressions:

widow вдова

funeral похороны

procession процессия