Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

Section 39 Grandpa and granddaughter

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, «Did God make you, Grandpa?»

«Yes, God made me,» the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, «Did God make me too?»

«Yes, He did,» the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. «You know, Grandpa,» she said, «God's doing a lot better job lately.»

Words and Expressions:

God Бог

reflection отражение

lately последнее время

Section 40 Gift from god

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

"Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00."

Words and Expressions:

to request просить, требовать

postal почтовый

authorities власти

to receive получать

President президент

to touch трогать (тж. перен.)

to amuse забавлять

to instruct инструктировать, делать распоряжения

however тем не менее, вместе с тем

Washington D.C. адрес почтового округа «Вашингтон, округ Колумбия»

bastard ублюдок

to deductфин. вычитать

to want sth badly сильно хотеть чего-л.

to appear to be казаться

to be delighted быть обрадованным

a thank you noteразг. письмо с благодарностью

for some reason по той или иной причине

as usualразг. как обычно

Section 41 Learning to swear

A seven-year-old and his four-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The seven-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them learn to swear. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the seven-year-old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass' ". The four-year-old happily agrees.

As the boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The seven-year-old replies, «Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some cornflakes.»

WHACK!

The seven-year-old runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,

«And what would YOU like for breakfast?»

«I don't know!» the four-year-old blubbers. «But you can bet your ass it's not gonna be cornflakes!»

Words and Expressions:

to swear ругаться

enthusiastically с энтузиазмом

hell ад; черт!

cornflakes кукурузные хлопья

WHACK! Бац!

to bawl громко вопить

to rub потирать

behindразг. зад

to blubber реветь

to bet биться об заклад, ставить на кон

Section 42 Career day at school

It's career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parents would do if they were here today.

Little Rodney stands up and says," My father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook."

«Good Rodney,» says the teacher. «How about you, Johnny?»

Johnny stands up and stammers, "My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no … L-E-C-H-

no… "

The teacher interrupts, «Never mind, Johnny, sit down. How about you, Vinnie?»

Vinnie stands up and says, «My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Johnny's ever gonna spell electrician!»

Words and Expressions:

career карьера, профессия

to state утверждать, заявлять

occupation род занятий

to spell произносить по буквам

accountant бухгалтер

to balanceфин. сводить счеты, выводить баланс

checkbook чековая книжка

to stammer заикаться, лепетать

electrician электрик

bookieразг.bookmaker букмейкер

odds разница, преимущество

he'd give you ten to one odds он даст вам десять против одного

Section 43 Better grades