Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking… "

Words and Expressions:

to tap похлопать (по плечу)

shoulder плечо

to scare пугать

grade оценка, отметка

to spank шлепать

to get a spanking получить нахлобучку, шлепки

Section 44 Circumcised

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, «Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!»

«Well, I've been circumcised,» answered the other one. «Huh, what's that mean?» asked the first boy. «It means they cut the skin off the end,» said the second one. The first boy was very puzzled, «How old were you when it was cut off?»

The second boy replied, «My Mom said I was only two days old.»

«Wow, did it hurt?» the first boy wondered. The second boy responded without hesitation, «You bet it hurt… I couldn't walk for a year!»

Words and Expressions:

to circumciseмед. обрезать

potty сленг туалет, обычно детский

to peeразг. писать

skin кожа

hurt болеть, ранить, причинять боль

You bet it hurt… Бьюсь об заклад, болело…

Section 45 Of little johnny

I. Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

II. Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I'm little Johnny.

III. Teacher: Little Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

IV. Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

V. Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.

VI. Little Johnny: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

VII. Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Little Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don't know my father.

Words and Expressions:

Johnny американский аналог русского Вовочки

to behave вести себя

to punish наказывать

since так как

to chew жевать

gum резина, каучук, резинка

chewing gum жевательная резинка

stupid глупый

to deserve заслуживать

zero ноль; низшая оценка

mark оценка, отметка

arithmetic арифметика

to break a promise нарушать обещание

to keep a promise сдержать обещание

Section 46 Naming the baby

The proud young mother was discussing with her husband what they should call the new baby. «I've made up my mind,» she declared firmly, «we'll call her Penelope.» The husband didn't like the name at all, but he decided to be subtle about it.

«That's a lovely name, dear,» he said. «The first girl I ever went out with was called Penelope and it will bring back pleasant memories.»

«I think we'll call her Mary, after my mother,» said the wife.

Words and Expressions:

subtle мягкий, вкрадчивый

lovely милый

pleasant приятный

memories воспоминания

to make up one's mind решать

to be subtle about sth не высказываться резко о чем-л.

to go out with ходить на свидание с (кем-л.)

to call sb after sb называть кого-л. в чью-л. честь

Section 47 Twins

Once there were two twins at the age of eight who were completely opposite, one always had a good attitude and a positive outlook on life, the other was always negative and found something to whine about in everything.

When Christmas was around the corner that year their parents decided to try and balance out the brothers' attitudes. For the negative son they bought a brand new bike. For the possitive son they went out to a farm and filled a box full of horse crap.

Christmas came and the parents watched their reactions. The negative son opened his gift first, finding the new bike. Immediately he began to complain, «It's too cold out to ride a bike, I don't even know how to ride one, I hate this gift!»