Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы

all of suddenразг. all of a sudden неожиданно

to be in no mood for sth разг. быть не в настроении для чего-л.

Section 51 I don't want to go

Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, «The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.»

«Oh yeah?» her young grandson replied. «So why is their dad carrying that rifle?»

Words and Expressions:

pilgrim паломник, пилигрим; зд. первые переселенцы в Америку

to observe замечать, отмечать

rifle ружье

Thanksgiving Day День Благодарения

Section 52 On thanksgivingday

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide…he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms…
And then he stuffed the turkey.

Words and Expressions:

bare голый

bead капля (пота)

sweat пот

neck шея

breast грудь

to droolсленг испытывать сильнейшее желание

thigh бедро

slit щель

hole отверстие

inside внутрь; внутри

murky сумрачный, сумеречный

to stretch протягивать, вытягивать

to stuff набивать; зд. фаршировать

turkey индейка

Section 53 One thanksgiving morning

There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping such nasty farts.

He told her that he couldn't help it.

She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to «fart his guts out.»

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about «farting his guts out» until one Thanksgiving morning.

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even!

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was wrong.

He said, «Honey, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you.»

«What do you mean?» asked his wife.

«Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,… I think I got'em all back in!!!»

Words and Expressions:

friction трение, трения

to fartгруб. испускать ветры

nearly почти

to awake просыпаться

smell запах

to waterзд. слезиться

to choke задыхаться

to plead умолять

nasty ужасный, скверный, гадкий

to beg просить, умолять

natural естественный

bodily телесный

fumes запахи, испарения