Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothing! (а я спросил маму, и она сказала, что это ничего, ерунда)"

"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman! (я избаловал эту женщину)"

A black family went to the zoo and the cage with the elephant. The young son asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, mama, dat other thing!"

"Oh, that's his trunk, son."

"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Uh, that's nothin'," replies the mother.

Undaunted, the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, daddy, dat other thing!"

"That's his trunk, son."

"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Oh, that's his penis, son."

"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothin'!"

"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman!"

I spoiled that woman!

A woman wanted a divorce (женщина хотела развода). She went to the courthouse (она пришла в суд; court — двор /короля/; суд) and appeared before the judge (и предстала: «появилась» перед судьей).

The judge reviewed her petition and asked (судья просмотрел ее прошение и спросил), "Do you have grounds? (у вас есть основания)"

The woman looked at him quizzically (пытливо, с недоумением; to quiz — смотреть насмешливо или с любопытством /уст./) and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor (ваша Честь), we do have about an acre and a half (у нас что-то около полутора акров: «акр и половина» /слово «ground» имеет несколько значений, здесь: 1) основание, повод 2) земля/)."

"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge? (я имею в виду, вы испытываете недовольство; to have a grudge against somebody — иметь «зуб» на кого-либо)"

The bewildered (сбитая с толку) woman replied, "No, we just have a carport (нет, у нас стоянка /слова grudge (недовольство) и garage (гараж) похожи по звучанию/)."

The judge was becoming frustrated (начал нервничать). "You're not getting the point (вы не понимаете смысла /вопроса/: «не получаете, не схватываете суть»)," he said. "Does he beat you up? (он с вами плохо обращается, бьет вас; to beat — бить; побеждать; to beat up — избивать, обходиться со зверской жестокостью)"

The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 (я встаю, уже на ногах в 6.30) and he doesn't get up until 7:00 (а он не поднимается до семи)."

The judge was exasperated (был рассержен, выведен из себя). He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? (послушайте, леди, зачем вы здесь) What reason do you have for wanting a divorce? (какая причина у вас есть, чтобы желать развода)"

The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem (потому что у моего мужа и у меня есть проблема с общением = мы плохо понимаем друг друга)."

A woman wanted a divorce. She went to the courthouse and appeared before the judge.

The judge reviewed her petition and asked, "Do you have grounds?"

The woman looked at him quizzically and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor, we do have about an acre and a half."

"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge?"

The bewildered woman replied, "No, we just have a carport."

The judge was becoming frustrated. "You're not getting the point," he said. "Does he beat you up?"

The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 and he doesn't get up until 7:00."

The judge was exasperated. He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? What reason do you have for wanting a divorce?"

The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem."

You're not getting the point.

My dentist told me (мой зубной врач сказал мне /to tell-told-told/) he had good news and bad news (что у него есть хорошая новость и плохая).