Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was 50 bucks. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"

That's not so bad.

Same old faces.

Typical Mexican macho man (типичный мексиканский мачо) married typical good-looking Mexican lady (женился на типичной красивой: «хорошо выглядящей» мексиканской женщине) and after the wedding (и после свадьбы) laid down the following rules: (установил следующие правила) "I'll be home when I want (я буду дома, буду приходить домой, когда я хочу), if I want (если захочу) and at what time I want (и тогда: «в такое время», когда я хочу) - and I don't expect any hassle from you (и я не жду никакого ворчания от тебя = и чтобы не было никакого ворчания, недовольства; hassle — перебранка, стычка). I expect a great dinner to be on the table (я ожидаю отличный ужин на столе) unless I tell you otherwise (если только я не скажу тебе другого: «по-другому»). I'll go hunting (я буду ходить на охоту), fishing (рыбалку), boozing (на попойки; booze — спиртной напиток; to booze — пьянствовать) and card-playing (на карточные игры) when I want with my old buddies (с моими старыми дружками) and don't you give me a hard time (и не надоедай мне: «не давай мне жесткого = тяжелого времени») about it (из-за этого, по этому поводу). Those are my rules! (таковы мои правила, установления) Any comments? (какие-нибудь замечания)"

His new bride said (его новая невеста сказала), "No, that's fine with me (нет, это мне подходит: «это хорошо со мной»). Just understand (только пойми = запомни) that there'll be sex here (здесь будет секс) at seven o'clock every night (в семь часов каждый вечер) - whether you're here or not (будешь ты здесь или нет)."

Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night — whether you're here or not."

Don't you give me a hard time about it!

Any comments?

No, that's fine with me.

Pretty girl (миленькая девушка): "May I try on (я могу примерить) that two-piece suit (тот /купальный/ костюм /двойку/; piece — кусок, часть, штука) in the window? (в витрине: «в окне»)"