Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

Ever have that feeling of being totally consumed by someone? Like your brain simply cannot think about anything else? You’re taking a history test and all you can think about is, “I wonder if he brought his lunch or is buying it today. Should I hang out in the lunch line and hope to see him, or maybe he’ll be outside at the picnic tables?” You and your girlfriends are planning to see a new movie this weekend, and you’re thinking, “Well, he said that movie sounded good. I wonder if he’s going to see it this weekend, too. Would he go Friday or Saturday night? At 7:00 or 9:00? Maybe I can get someone to call and find out. . . .”

If any of this sounds like you, you’re crushin’ . . . big time!

You can become totally absorbed by your feelings, maybe even obsessed about someone. You might try to arrange your plans so you see him more often. You might feel jealous if your crush spends time with other people. And you’ll definitely feel like you want to please your crush by dressing to impress him, giving him special attention, complimenting him and finding things he is interested in to talk about. Flirting comes naturally when you’re around a crush! And if he notices you, wow! You feel great!

And if your crush becomes your boyfriend, you may want to please him in other ways, too—perhaps sexually. Part of your attraction probably involves strong sexual urges on your part. But there is a big difference between flirting (which may or may not include holding hands, kissing and making out or exploring some of your body’s feelings of attraction) and becoming sexually involved with a crush or a first boyfriend.

What’s the Rush?

Just think, if you become intimate or sexually involved with someone early in a relationship, what do you have to look forward to? In this relationship and in future relationships? Too often, teens think that having sex or being involved sexually will make their relationship grow and deepen their commitment to each other. After years of seeing patients and hearing their stories, we can tell you that this definitely is not the way it works.

If you want to keep your body, emotions and relationship healthy, a deep commitment and long-lasting relationship should come before sexual involvement and sexual intercourse. Most religions teach that marriage should come before sexual intercourse. There are good reasons for those teachings. When you rush into sexual activity too early, the sex becomes the focus or center of the relationship. Sex is the only thing you do together. Sex is the only thing that’s important in the relationship anymore. If it’s too early, you’ll feel unfulfilled, and sex won’t seem like such a great thing. Pay attention to those feelings if you have them. They are telling you that you aren’t ready.

Once you’ve “gone all the way,” the relationship can lose a lot of the mystery and excitement. There can also be a loss of trust and respect (for yourself or your partner). There will also be a lot more stress in the relationship because of the responsibilities that go along with being sexually involved. When sex happens too early, the relationship often ends shortly after sex starts because it didn’t have a strong foundation to begin with.

And that can break your heart. Because no matter what movies, TV or other teens might tell you, sex is special, and it is a very big deal. When you give it away to (or have it taken away by) someone who doesn’t respect it and you . . . well, that just plain hurts.

If this has already happened to you, if you have already had your heart broken by rushing too quickly into sex, you don’t have to keep feeling the hurt over and over again! You can take charge and choose to set limits for physical involvement with your next boyfriend. Your mistake doesn’t make you any less lovable or special. If you learn from your mistake, it will even make you wiser. Then the next time you’ll be thinking about building a strong foundation for true love, not just giving in to the exciting feelings of a crush!

Now, that’s exercising some Girl Power!

Romance Is Not Random!

So how do you start to build that strong foundation for true love?

Just like with a friendship, you have to get to know each other’s likes, dislikes, interests, fears and hobbies. You met each other because you had something in common—like a mutual friend, playing sports, same religion, same neighborhood, same job, same volunteer work—so that’s a great place to start building a relationship. Start out by exploring that one thing you know you have in common. If it’s a relationship that can turn into more than a crush, your question, “What position are you playing this season?” will soon turn into deeper conversations about the disappointment of losing and the elation of winning games, about teamwork and friendships among athletes, and about dreams of careers or colleges.