William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

William Shakespear’s The Jedi Doth Return by Ian Doescher

FOR BOB, MY DAD, WHO NE’ER CUT OFF MY HAND.

FOR BETH, MY MOM, WHO NEVER WED MY UNCLE.
AND FOR MY BROTHER ERIK, WHO NE’ER TRIED
(AS LEIA DID) TO KISS A BROTHER’S LIPS.

Illustrations by Nicolas Delort

Dramatis Personae

CHORUS

LUKE SKYWALKER, a Jedi trainee

GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI, a Jedi Knight

YODA, a Jedi Master

PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA, of Alderaan

HAN SOLO, a rebel captain

CHEWBACCA, his Wookiee and first mate

C-3PO, a droid

R2-D2, his companion

LANDO OF CALRISSIAN, a scoundrel

MON MOTHMA, leader of the Rebel Alliance

ACKBAR AND MADINE, rebel leaders

WEDGE ANTILLES, a rebel pilot

NIEN NUNB, a rebel pilot

EMPEROR PALPATINE, ruler of the Empire

DARTH VADER, a Sith Lord

JERJERROD and PIETT, gentlemen of the Empire

JABBA OF THE HUTT, a gangster

BIB FORTUNA, Jabba’s man

SALACIOUS CRUMB, Jabba’s fool

BOBA FETT, a bounty hunter

THE MAX REBO BAND, Jabba’s palace musicians

EV-9D9, a droid in Jabba’s service

RANCOR, a monster in Jabba’s service

THE RANCOR KEEPER, its owner

REBEL PILOTS, TROOPS, EWOKS, GAMORREAN GUARDS, JABBA’S COURTIERS, BOUNTY HUNTERS, IMPERIAL TROOPS, SCOUTS, OFFICERS, COMMANDERS, CONTROLLERS, GUARDS, ROYAL GUARDS, and SOLDIERS

Prologue

Outer space.

Enter CHORUS

Chorus

O join us, friends and mortals, on the scene—
Another chapter of our cosmic tale.
Luke Skywalker returns to Tatooine,
To save his friend Han Solo from his jail
Within the grasp of Jabba of the Hutt.
But while Luke doth the timely rescue scheme,
The vile Galactic Empire now hath cut
New plans for a space station with a beam
More awful than the first fear’d Death Star’s blast.
This weapon ultimate shall, when complete,
Mean doom for those within the rebel cast
Who fight to earn the taste of freedom sweet.
In time so long ago begins our play,
In hope-fill’d galaxy far, far away.

Act I

Scene 1.

Inside the second Death Star.

EnterDARTH VADERandMOFF JERJERROD.

Vader

Cease to persuade, my grov’ling Jerjerrod,
Long-winded Moffs have ever sniv’ling wits.
’Tis plain to me thy progress falls behind
And lacks the needed motivation. Thus,
I have arriv’d to set thy schedule right.

Jerjerrod

Aye, we are honor’d by your presence, Lord.
To have you here is unexpected joy.

Vader

Thou mayst dispense with ev’ry pleasantry.
Thy fawning words no int’rest hold for me.
So cease thy prating over my arrival
And tell me how thou shalt correct thy faults.

Jerjerrod

I tell thee truly, Lord, my men do work
As quickly as each one is capable—
No more is possible for them to do.

Vader

Mayhap I shall find new, creative ways
To motivate them.

Jerjerrod

—Lord, I’ll warrant that
The station shall be operational
Within the date and time that have been set.
Upon my honor I may make such claim.

Vader

The Emperor, however, doth not share
Thine optimistic attitude thereon.

Jerjerrod