William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

—Greetings, O
Exalted Jabba of the Hutt. Allow
Me to make introduction unto thee:
My name is Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight
And friend to Captain Solo, who e’en now
Is in thy custody. I know that thou
Art powerful, O Jabba, and that thy
Great anger t’ward Han Solo equally
Must pow’rful be. I seek an audience
With thy esteem’d and mighty personage,
To bargain for my friend Han Solo’s life.
With thy vast wisdom we shall, doubtless, find
A goodly compromise that shall, indeed,
Be mutually beneficial, and
Allow both you and I to ’scape a more
Unpleasant confrontation. As a sign
And symbol of my honest will, I do
Present unto thee, as a gift, these droids.

They are hardworking, and shall serve thee well.

C-3PO

Alas, what hath he said?

R2-D2

—Beep, whistle, meep!

C-3PO

Nay, nay! R2, I say, your message errs!
Our master never would betray us so!

Crumb

O foolish droids, whose master fools them so!

BIB

[ to Jabba:

] Na maska bagweni, ees no Jedi.

Jabba

Ha ono wangee goghpah, ool.

C-3PO

—We’re doom’d!
He will not bargain with good Master Luke.

Jabba

Nuh peecha wangee cogh pah, tong nam nee
Took chan kee troi. Ne Solo fah keechwa.

C-3PO

O, R2, look, ’tis Captain Solo, still
A’frozen in the carbonite.

R2-D2

—Beep, hoo!

Crumb

A little more than dud and less than dead.

Jabba

Na pushka nab, de foghla pah nubin!

Enter EV-9D9 , a droid, as Gamorrean guards lead C-3PO and R2-D2 to him.

C-3PO

O what hath come upon my master Luke?
Did I offend him by some errant word?
Was he disturb’d by something I have said?
Or is this but a human’s changing whim?
Belike I’ll never fully comprehend
These people and their wayward, shifting ways.
One moment with my service is he pleas’d,
The next he sendeth me away in scorn
To serve the gangster Jabba of the Hutt.
Grant me thy mercy, Sir, I beg of thee—
Whatever my offense, O master true,
I prithee, do forgive C-3PO!

R2-D2

[ aside:

] What scenes of horror lie herein! I seeThat droids are tortur’d here, fix’d fast upon
The rack and torn to bits, or burnèd on
The feet as though they were a piece of meat
Upon a spit. O terror to mine eyes—
And yet I know my master hath a plan.
Indeed, within my head I hold the light
That shall illumine our profound escape.

EV-9D9

New acquisitions, excellent. Thou art
A droid of protocol: say, is this so?

C-3PO

I am C-3PO, of human—

EV-9D9

—Aye,
Or nay shall serve.

C-3PO

—O. Aye.

EV-9D9

—Of languages,
How many dost thou speak?

C-3P

—Six million forms
Of speech I may claim knowledge of—

EV-9D9

—’Tis well.
We have not had a court interpreter
Since our great master anger’d was by our
Most recent droid of protocol, and had
Him thoroughly disintegrated.

C-3PO