William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

—O!
Disintegrated? Fate most vile and cruel!

EV-9D9

I prithee, guard, this droid of protocol
May useful be. Take him and fit him with
A strong restraining bolt, and then return
Him unto our great master’s chamber.

G. GUARD 2

—Mrk.

C-3PO

O, R2, do not leave me all alone!

[Gamorrean Guard 2 leads C-3PO back to Jabba of the Hutt.

R2-D2

Beep, squeak!

EV-9D9

—Thou art a feisty little droid,
But soon shall learn respect when thou dost serve
Upon my master’s sail barge. Thou shalt see!

[Exeunt EV-9D9 and R2-D2.

C-3PO

[ aside:] Within the court of Jabba now I serve.
But O, what wretched things I see within,
For when he loseth temper—which befalls
Most frequently—thou mayst be certain it
Doth mean the death of someone who is nigh.
For lo, unto the rancor’s pit they fall,
Where such a massive terror lives that I
Cannot bear watch, though all the courtiers here
Do laugh and cheer as though it were a sport.
The rancor cometh forth with growls and barks
And catches up the poor and helpless soul
Who, screaming in its terror, doth fall mute
As rancor sinks large teeth into its flesh.
The slaughter of the blameless! O, it is
A vile and filthy service I fulfill.
Grant me the patience to endure this time!

[The Max Rebo Band plays a song of tribute to Jabba of the Hutt.

REBO BAND

[ sings:] A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!
’Tis well to be a gangster.
A blaster ever by thy side,
A stately barge in which to ride,
A fair, young damsel to thee tied,
’Tis well to be a gangster.
A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!
’Tis well to be a gangster.
Full many servants lend thee aid,
More guards than a Naboo brigade,
And bounty hunters on parade—
’Tis well to be a gangster.
A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!
’Tis well to be a gangster.
The drinks all flowing fast and free,
A sarlacc pit not far from thee,
A rancor for thine enemy,
’Tis well to be a gangster.
A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!
’Tis well to be a gangster.

A blast is heard. EnterCHEWBACCAandBOUSHH, a bounty hunter.

Boushh

Eyah-tay, eyah-tay, yo-toe.

C-3PO

—Chewbacca!

Chewbac.

—Auugh!

Jabba

Cheesa eejah wahkee Chewbacca—ho!

Fett

[ aside:] The Wookiee hath been captur’d—e’en he who with my grand prize Solo once did fly. ’Tis fortunate he hath to Jabba also been deliver’d. I only wish that I had been his captor, and reap’d the reward this bounty hunter surely shall receive. Even so, this Wookiee doth complete the set of smugglers for Jabba’s merriment. Belike he too shall frozen in carbonite be, or mayhap be a supper for a rancor.

Jabba

Kahjee ta, droid.

C-3PO

—Aye, here am I, indeed,
Thy worshipfulness.

Jabba

—Yu-bahk ko rahto
Kama wahl-bahk. Eye yess ka cho. Kawa
Na Wookiee.

C-3PO

—Bounty hunter strong and brave:
The mighty Jabba of the Hutt doth bid
Thee welcome, and shall gladly pay to thee
The goodly sum of five-and-twenty thousand.

Crumb