William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

The ice hath gone, but still the chill remains.
But I am well enough, consid’ring all,
And now we are together once again.

Luke

’Twould not be miss’d. Such fun we have in store.

Han

How is our cause?

Luke

—The same as ever, friend.

Han

That bad, indeed? And where is Leia?

Leia

—Here.
I am quite safe and, as of yet, unharm’d,
But bound unto this wormlike lump of hate.

Jabba

Hagoy ooneetonuh.

C-3PO

—O dear! The great
And high exaltedness, this Jabba of
The Hutt, decrees that ye shall presently
Be terminated.

Han

—Just as well; I loathe
A lengthy wait. [ Aside:

] The eyes may yet be blind,But ’tis relief to know the wit is well.

C-3PO

Thou shalt, therefore, be ta’en to the Dune Sea,
And cast into the pit of old Carkoon,
The nesting place of the all-pow’rful sarlacc.

Han

As yet this Fate doth not so dismal sound.

Crumb

[ aside:

] I lik’d him better when he was on ice—The frozen one hath quite a shrewish mouth.
Belike the details of the sarlacc shall
Give rest to his most flippant, prating tongue.

C-3PO

Within the sarlacc’s belly ye shall know
A definition new of suffering
As ye are gradu’lly digested o’er
A thousand thousand years. Thus saith the Hutt.

Han

As I reflect, mayhap we should decline.
I find I have no stomach for this feast
Since it is we who shall the supper be.

Chewbac.

Auugh!

Luke

—Thou wilt soon regret this gross mistake,
For ’tis the last misstep thou e’er shalt make.

[Exeunt.

Scene 5.

The desert planet Tatooine, at the sarlacc’s pit in the Dune Sea.

Enter R2-D2 on Jabba’s barge.

R2-D2

The end of this bleak scene is almost near,
For I shall play the part of helpmate to
My master true, securing freedom for
Us all. No more shall Jabba terrorize
The planet Tatooine, for he shall be
Destroy’d before the double sun doth set.

Enter C-3PO , bumping into R2-D2.

C-3PO

O pardon me, I do apologize.

R2-D2

Beep, squeak!

C-3PO

—My R2, ah! What dost thou here?

R2-D2

Beep, whistle, meep, beep, nee!

C-3PO

—Well can I see
That thou art serving drinks, but dangerous
This place is. Soon they plan to execute
Good Master Luke, and if we take not care,
No doubt we shall be executed too!

R2-D2

Beep, meep!

C-3PO

—I wish I had thy confidence.

EnterLUKE SKYWALKER, HAN SOLO, andCHEWBACCAwithLANDO OF CALRISSIANin disguise and severalGUARDSon balcony, as Jabba’s skiff.

Luke

[ aside:

] Here is the hour that ends in our escape,Here is the moment Jabba sees defeat,
Here is the instant I have plannèd for,
Here is the battle grand: the skiff’s the thing
Wherein I’ll catch Han’s rescue and take wing.

Han

Methinks mine eyes have quite improv’d, for now
Instead of just a blur of dark I see
A blur of light. ’Tis almost pleasant. Ha!

Luke