William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

—Can it be? Our enemy,
The greatest threat the Empire’s ever known,
Hath ’scaped our watch and is to Endor flown?
How can that be, for do we not have guards
Identifying ev’ry ship that comes?
Hath he fool’d them to make his landing, then?

Guard 2

E’en so. Lord Vader hath return’d with him.

Guard 1

Darth Vader brought him here?

Guard 2

—Yes. Wherefore art
Thou so perplex’d?

Guard 1

—The rebel pilot who
Hath single-handedly destroy’d the first
Death Star is hither brought—

Guard 2

—As prisoner.

Guard 1

As prisoner. Aye, that is better. But
How came he then to be on Endor, say?
And wherefore was he there? Do we yet know?

Guard 2

How he hath landed there is yet beyond
Our knowing. He hath said he was alone.

Guard 1

And hath he been believ’d?

Guard 2

—Nay, we have not
Our senses quite forgot. Pray, give our men
An ounce of credit, lad. Our scouts do search
For his accomplices e’en now.

Guard 1

—’Tis well.

Guard 2

Forsooth, the Empire soon shall triumph.

Guard 1

—But . . .

Guard 2

Alas, my friend, what troubles thee? Why dost
Thou speak this “but”? Why “but”? What “but”?

Guard 1

—Hast thou
Read the descriptions of the Endor moon?

Guard 2

I have, for we were order’d so to do.

Guard 1

Then thou hast heard about the creatures there.

Guard 2

Mean’st thou the native population that
Was deemèd insignificant?

Guard 1

—Indeed.
The full report hath said that they are arm’d.

Guard 2

But with such sticks and rocks as would not harm
A womp rat, and much less an AT-AT. Thou
Wilt not fear armies made of twigs. ’Tis true?

Guard 1

Perhaps, yet follow on: it seems that there
Are rebels on the forest moon, who now
Have hidden, and we know not where. What if
These rebels were to meet the creatures, band
Together, crush the bunker that controls
The shield that watcheth o’er the Death Star, then
Coordinate a wing’d assault, which would
Destroy this battle station and—still more—
Deliver our dread Emperor and Lord
Darth Vader unto their untimely deaths?
Could not just such a chain of dire events
Defeat the Empire strong in one fell swoop?

Guard 2

Thou shouldst not be a guard, my friend, for thou
Art suited for a life of fantasy.
Thou shouldst a writer be of stories grand
Wherein a group of men and simple beasts
Do overthrow an Empire powerful.
O, it doth break upon my sight: my friend,
The ancient storyteller he, who weaves
His tales to bring delight to all who hear.

Guard 1

Thou mockest me.

Guard 2